Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
