The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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