Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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