1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
there's paper in my vomit.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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