There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
