Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
