You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
