Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
