Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
did i walk over a car last night?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
