I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
love makes seman taste better
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
