I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
