is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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