& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
