I wish my penis had an off switch
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
