his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
