I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
