just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
