I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
