Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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