Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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