If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
