I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
