If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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