Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
