You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
