The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
my poor anus
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Randomize
