just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
