Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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