So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
