Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Bring me that man meat
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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