So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
