He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
