Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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