yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Did you pee in the oven last night??
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
