the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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