mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
