He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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