i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
