You're a womanizer and a bitch.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
