Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
