Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
