Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
