I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
