I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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