I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
