Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Randomize
