I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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