my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
