I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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