Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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