She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
